18th July 2020

There never was a fucking race Paul & you checked out before you even started - as I write this it's 8 days since I've heard from you, had a 'lemony zesty' early morning call, heard your voice, seen you, had a coffee with you, enjoyed time with you. 

That's never going to happen is it - the next time I see you you won't be there - it will be your great shell of a being - you've gone wherever it is we go when our time is up - I'm so angry with you Paul for leaving me, for leaving Will, for leaving your beautiful family & all your friends.  How dare you check out way too early - fifty-fucking-one !!!  

You've been a constant for 20 years - we've fought like cat & dog; you've been the most petulant child-like man I've ever known; hard as nails emotionally & never got how & why I wore my heart on my sleeve & allowed myself to feel so much & be so vulnerable. 

Well we're all vulnerable - look at the wreck you've made most of us this past week. You bugger you!!

Your death, so suddenly, without warning, without reason, without any sense has completely floored me - it's a wonder that I can even type these words - but I had to write, I had to write somewhere - it's cathartic for me & a process that I need to do. So this is my 'safe pace' buried deep within my website - who knows one day it might be transferred into a blog for which there is only one name 'Slow & Steady Wins the Race!' - or 'TwiddleyE!"

You loved me so deeply that I know - that I always knew.  You took me & my kids in as your own & became the best 'father' that you could - without question, completely selflessly.

You, Paul, were my saviour - you rescued me in my time of need many many years ago & for that I will be forever grateful.  You'll always be in my heart, which is quite broken at the moment x